5 Funny Paranoias Every Pothead Has Had

Green Day knew exactly what they meant as they sang 'Am I just paranoid, or am I just stoned?'
08 March 2021
7 min read
5 Funny Paranoias Every Pothead Has Had

Contents:
  • 1. "do i smell like weed?"
  • 2. Anything related with the police
  • 2. a. Special shoutout: police sirens in music
  • 3. Being busted and/or judged by non-smokers
  • 4. Falling into the stereotype
  • 5. The fear of just generally losing stuff
  • 5. a. Forgetting the lighter or rolling papers
  • 6. The bottom line

When it comes to weed, we are all aware of some of its common effects. Some people burst into laughter or get bloodshot eyes, others get strong munchies, a.k.a. the hunger of 10 gorillas, while others may experience a huge creativity boost, it all varies depending on each of us. 

These are some effects that we laugh at when we look back at them, but there's this one side effect that as stoners we'd wish didn't exist: paranoia. Yeah, you most likely know what we're talking about. 

We've all at least quite a few couples of times been there, feeling slightly, not to say coo-coo paranoid after having smoked, eaten, or vaped some weed. It's extremely normal, no wonder why Green Day sings "Am I just paranoid, or am I just stoned?" in their hymn Basket Case

 

Stoners paranoia can create actually funny memories, but man, did we get scared.

Stoners paranoia can create actually funny memories, but man, did we get scared.
 

So, since feeling a tad paranoid whilst stoned isn't completely unfamiliar to us, here are the most common fears and paranoia that every stoner has felt at least once, including the fear of smelling of weed, the police, forgetting stuff, and more. 

1. "Do I Smell Like Weed?"

We've all burned one before doing something or meeting someone with whom you're not meant to be high, sorry not sorry. And then, just when you're about to get there, you realize you're extremely stoned and slightly panicking about whether these people will smell the weed on you.

 

To answer your question: it depends. Have you just hotboxed your car? Well, fellow, then the answer is yes, you most definitely do smell of weed. Have you been smoking with the window open or outdoors? Then take a breath, bruh, you're only being paranoid! 

 

When it comes to the

When it comes to the "do I smell of weed?" paranoia, incense is your friend.
 

Anyway, if people can smell the sweet perfume of marijuana all over you is a frequent thought or worry you experience while you're high, why don't you just get a portable deodorant or spray cologne? Peace of mind in a bottle you can call it. 

2. Anything Related With The Police

Hey man, we respect and thank you for your service but just please don't come near, it's seriously killing the vibe, in fact, we're gonna go home now. 

In all seriousness now, the cops can be frightening, not only for the millions of stories we've all heard of and shouldn't ignore, thought let's not get into that now, but also because they look threatening as if they were trained for that.

 

Nothing screams paranoia like seeing the police while stoned.

Nothing screams paranoia like seeing the police while stoned.
 

Maybe it's the uniform, the fact that they go around carrying weapons, or simply the way they walk with their chin way up high, and oh what's that, not a smile on their face. And not to mention that if weed isn't yet legal in your country, sigh, then the cops could take your precious buds or get you into deep trouble.

So, yes, we do jump at the sight of cops down the streets when we're deep in, crunchy-shell baked. Don't blame it on us, blame it on their scary, aggressive stance. 

Special Shoutout: Police Sirens In Music

Damn you rap songs, you seriously gotta stop this. Besides, aren't most of you stoners as well? You should already know how you freak us the f*** out when we hear those sirens blasting in. Sometimes we even jump at the sight of blue lights, we can't take a breath here. 

Prank Ideas

Hide your phone somewhere as you record your friend and scream "Dude, police!" and laugh at their reaction, never fails. 

It's funny when we look back at all those times we've jumped on our seats to that sound, imagining the police car pulling you over and unleashing an entire hotbox on their face in the parking lot of your go-to fast food restaurant. 

3. Being Busted And/Or Judged By Non-Smokers

When we were youngsters smoking weed for the first couple of times, we all were slightly paranoid that our non-smoking relatives, authority figures, or any other person whose validation we cared about might think of our marijuana use. 

 

Open up about your weed use to get rid of the paranoia of getting busted!

Open up about your weed use to get rid of the paranoia of getting busted!
 

Luckily, we don't need to worry about that anymore, or at least we hope not. However, we sometimes bump into judgy non-smokers who look at us squinty-eyed almost as if we could hear the judging in their heads, if they're respectful enough to keep it to themselves. 

The world is full of this critical type, we can't escape them, and sometimes, when we're stoned and slightly oversensitive, we might get frightened by what these people might think of this. Especially when this person is a close relative who doesn't know you love marijuana.

So then we get into this not-getting-busted ritual, which includes:

  • Applying eye-drops to get rid of the bloodshot red eyes;
  • Cleaning your hands and spraying perfume to get rid of the smell; 
  • And mentally focusing not to let out any stoned thoughts.

But that's no real way to enjoy a high, perhaps it's about time you come out of the stoner closet and let your non-smoking fellows know that you smoke weed, you love doing so and don't intend to stop anytime soon. Here's a helpful guide to open up about your weed use:

 

Hopefully, this guide will help you get rid of this common stoner paranoia we've all been through. 

4. Falling Into The Stereotype

Now this is kind of in line with the last point: almost every stoner, if not all, will fear at least once falling into the typical stoner stereotype. Which one is this? Well, the usual tv portrayal of the lazy pothead who takes ages to do everything and has no goals. 

 

Dear society: not every stoner has dreads, is lazy and spaced out, thank you.

Dear society: not every stoner has dreads, is lazy and spaced out, thank you.
 

Firstly, this stereotype couldn't be any further from the truth. When it comes to stoners, the only ones that are actually lazy are just lazy because they already were in their sober lives, not because of marijuana. In fact, you'll find that stoners are usually some of the smartest people, with incredibly cool ideas and projects. 

However, we all have those days when we get ultra couch-locked, especially after smoking a strong Indica or eating way too many edibles. And it's during these days when we feel tied to the couch that our stoner alarm goes off and the fear of falling into the stereotype comes in. 

Don't worry, most likely you're not, otherwise you would probably not realize you are. Check out this article on the different types of stoners to find out which one you are. 

 

And don't worry if you don't identify with any of them, maybe you're just unique

5. The Fear of Just Generally Losing Stuff

Okay, so we tend to get a little bit dispersed when we're high, we can own up to that. And hence this dispersion, we may have a tendency to lose or forget stuff everywhere, which leads us to another common stoner paranoia: the "do I have everything?" syndrome. 

You probably know what we're talking about. You get out of your friend's car as they drop you off and as soon as you're reaching the door and you couldn't find the keys in your usual pocket, you're already panicking thinking you forgot them inside the car or dropped them somewhere, only to find that they were in the other pocket. 

 

The fear of losing stuff: the worst stoner nightmare.

The fear of losing stuff: the worst stoner nightmare.
 

Or maybe with your phone or wallet, you go someplace, and as soon as you walk out you get the sense that you've lost one of them. The best advice we can give you is to always look back before you leave. I can't tell you how many times I've looked back to find I was leaving my phone on the table or on the store's counter.

It's not that bad to get a little bit paranoid about your personal belongings, after all, we learn our lessons. So, if you got slightly paranoid about this, then chances are you've already lost a couple of things because you were too stoned to realize. 

Forgetting the Lighter or Rolling Papers

Now, this is a tragic one. We wouldn't wish this to happen even to our worst stoner enemy: not having a lighter. So it's pretty common that we may get a little frantic when we reach into our pockets after having rolled a joint and find that there's no lighter inside. 

If only we could use the old sticks technique to light a fire then gone with the fear of forgetting the lighter. So, every time you leave the house make sure you double-check that you have a lighter on you, or text your friend telling them to bring one before you're stuck with a rolled joint and no lighter.

 

Always, always double-check you have a lighter and rolling papers.

Always, always double-check you have a lighter and rolling papers.
 

Another common misfortune is getting ready to roll one and finding you've got no rolling papers at hand. To avoid this, we recommend sticking a couple of papers inside your wallet, phone case, your everyday bag pockets, and any other smart places you can think of as an emergency paper resource. 

6. The Bottom Line

So yeah, perhaps weed gets us a little bit paranoid, at least we take note of it and laugh it out. It's part of the package that smoking marijuana comes with sometimes, and we've learned how to embrace it. 

Besides, this paranoia makes pretty funny memories most of the time, so there's no real harm in it. And it's always best to be safe rather than sorry, so thank you paranoia for helping us in times of being stoned. 

Don't forget to comment on your funniest fears and paranoia anecdotes while being baked!

08 March 2021
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